I worked at Cedar Point for a summer in 2008, and this is why I will never ride a roller coaster again.

Really, I have always been hesitant to get into a rampaging car of death, one which I have no control over and have no idea what destination I will be attending, and I think that this accurately describes a roller coaster.

I was a caricature artist in 2008 and one of the stands that I worked at was twenty feet from the Top Thrill Dragster. This is the fastest, tallest coaster in the WORLD!!! (at least it was until some nutbag from Jersey built one ten feet taller, wtf?) Dragster had a unique set up to it. The fact that it shoots off at 125mph, the train has to be weighed every time in order to know how much awesome was needed to propel it forward. I don't really know how it works obviously, but I do know that it goes from 0 - 125 in four seconds. This coaster wouldn't always make it to the top of the hill. This was also a problem for a coaster called The Wildcat.

The Wildcat was one of the few kid friendly coasters at Cedar Point, as in it didn't have any crazy turns or loops. Many families use this coaster to introduce their little kids to the idea of attaching yourself to a careening vehicle of death is a good idea.

The Wildcat is also one of the coasters that has two cars running opposite each other. This summer day there was a dude that was HUGE getting into the car. Along with his even HUGER wife and 2.5 chub of a kid. Needless to say, the fat to metal ratio was 1:1. The car was busting at the seams as it slowly pulls its self to the tippy top of the hill and starts to careen back down thanks to gravity.

As the odd mixture of blubber and coaster succumb to gravity and begin to twist and turn, a second coaster car is set off. This car is filled with people still resembling human. This second car is having fun, as is the first. The problem arises when the first car tries to take a slight incline. The car can't make it, being weighed downed by what can only be described as the Moon, and it starts to roll backward. Flub flapping everywhere.

The second car, that has already begun its own adventure, is unable to stop because, as we already discussed, is unable to write its own fate.

Inevitably, the second car crashes into the fist as it swings back down the hill. There is a crash, boom, screeching of metal, and everybody is mildly injured and able to walk away from the accident.

And that is why I won't ride a roller coaster.